


without you to hold (i'll be freezing)

by folklorekaylee



Category: Legacies (TV 2018)
Genre: Background Handon, F/F, Posie Baby, Posie Endgame, Soft Penelope Park, josie studies medicine, penelopes an engineer, posh josie, posie daughter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-18
Updated: 2021-02-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 21:40:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,977
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27083533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/folklorekaylee/pseuds/folklorekaylee
Summary: Josie and Penelope meet at a student bar, with no intention of falling for eachother. As time goes by they decide to try for a child but after the first round ends in a miscarriage, they lose all hope. After a while, they decide to try again and were confronted by a miracle only to fnd out their happiness is short lived.How will they react when their worst nightmare comes true?
Relationships: Penelope Park/Josie Saltzman
Comments: 36
Kudos: 118





	1. you don't look like an engineer

**Author's Note:**

> no-one is supernatural in this and the Salvatore school is located in London :)

Josie was always reading. Whether she's on her favourite bean bag chair in the corner of their room or in bed propped up with a mound of pillows, it's one of the things she enjoyed most. There were books spilled over the nightstand, so many, they began piling up on the floor. She could never get enough of those cheesy romance novels, the sort that made her laugh until she cried, and cry until she couldn't breathe. 

She would plough through them, with her lips chastely pursed, totally consumed by her love for literature. Her favourite romance novel was A Fault in Our Stars. She loved how in love Hazel and Gus were, but she also loved how it shows that all beautiful things must come to an end. She must have reread it at least 10 times already. 

Penelope would often wake in the middle of the night to see the bedside lamp was still on; Josie, a harsh silhouette, sat next to her indulging it yet another book, her imagination flowing. She sat with her back as straight as a pin, as she was always taught. Josie did not realise Penelope was awake, nor did she realise she was looking at her. Instead she stared at her book, flicking through the pages as if she was cramming for an exam. Penelope had always wondered how she read so fast. 

// 

“You don’t look like an engineering student.” she said to Penelope. Penelope had started talking to her at a student bar in Cambridge University. It was in that state of post-exam, pre-results, so altogether a pretty messy time. 

“Because I don’t carry round a heavy case or because I'm a woman?” She smiled slightly, not in a harsh manner, but jokingly as she must have heard this at least 500 times in the past few years. 

"No, no, no, I didnt mean it like that! I'm so sorry-" the girl fumbled, genuinely fearing that she may have offended Penelope. 

"It's fine, honestly, I was joking." 

Penelope chuckled at how red the other girl had turned. As she turned back to the bar to try to get a drink, Penelope stole a glance at her again. She was rather petite with brown hair neatly tied back into space buns, her sharp features softened by her pale skin. 

“I’m Penelope, by the way.” 

“Josette,” she said blushing slightly, “but most people just call me Josie. Pleased to meet you.” 

Penelope almost laughed. She sounded so formal, and she wasn’t sure whether Josie was making a joke or not. There was a few minutes of awkward silence. 

“So what are you studying?” Penelope randomly blurted out, trying to think of something to say. 

“Nursing,” Josie said, squinting at her. 

“Oh, that's cool!" 

"I think you’re supposed to say I don’t look like a nursing student.” Penelope looked at Josie's neat hair, her bag stuffed with books, then to her very well presented attire. 

Penelope smiled. 

“What are you smiling at?” Josie went red again. It made Penelope giggle, how easily she could make Josie blush. 

“But you do a little,” she said. “In a good way, I mean.” 

She opened her mouth as if she had something to say, something that amused her, but thought better of it. Penelope knew she was friends with Hope, the person whose birthday they were celebrating. They seemed unlikely friends. Loud, obnoxious Hope. Hope, who was known around the entire campus as the girl who got naked at a party, on the pool table. And then Josie, with her neat clothes and sensible personality. Penelope had seen Josie around campus, often with a musical instrument strapped to her back. Not casually slung over one shoulder, but carefully attached, as if she took good care of it. She always seemed to be walking fast, like she had a very urgent meeting. 

“So what will you do with computer science?” she asked, seeming genuinely interested. 

Penelope was flustered, she looked toward her friends across the room, not sure how to answer the question. There was something almost Edwardian about Josie. Her pristine vowels and consonants; the way she always spoke with precision. A little bit of a goody two-shoes, Penelope thought. “Umm.. maps,” Penelope said. 

“Maps?” Josie was entirely bemused. 

“Online mapping and stuff.” 

Josie didn’t say anything. Her face was entirely blank, unreadable. 

“Have you heard of Google Maps?” 

She shook her head. 

“It’s been in the news a little recently," said Penelope. "I’m writing some software kind of connected to that.” 

“So you’ll join a company one day then?” asked Josie, tilting her head slightly. 

Penelope shook her head. 

“No. I’m going to start my own.” 

“Oh okay, that sounds cool," she said. “Well actually it sounds ambitious, but in fairness, I don’t really know much about such things.” 

“Can I see your phone?” 

“Sorry?” Josie said, both confused and taken aback. 

“I can show you what I mean...” 

Josie still looked confused, but rummaged around in her bag, and produced an old Nokia. Penelope smiled.  
“What?” she said, her smile revealing two almost symmetrical dimples on her cheeks. “It does everything I need.” 

“I’m sure it does,” Penelope said, taking it from her, her hand brushing Josie's fingers. 

“Imagine in the future, you’ll probabaly have a much bigger screen, maybe even a touch screen, and somewhere here you’ll have some sort of map. People will be able to add things to the map one day, such as their walking or running routes, whatever they want. So I’m working on some technical stuff that will let you do that, kind of customize the map how you want it.” 

Josie looked bewildered and touched the black screen of her Nokia. 

“It sounds interesting,” she said, “Although I've never really understood technology. Will I still be able to send texts?” 

“Yes,” Penelope said, laughing a little. Josie was so straight-faced, she couldn’t tell if she was joking. 

“Good. That’s a relief. So are you friends with Hope, as well?” 

“Yes, a little bit,” Penelope said. “I knew her in the first year. She lived on my floor.” 

“Ah,” Josie said. “So you’re that Penny.” 

That Penny. This made Penelope think back. Had she done something stupid when she was drunk one time? She remembered talking to Hope one night at a party a few months ago. 

“That Penny?” she asked, smiling nervously. 

“Oh, no, Hope just mentioned you, that's all,” Josie said casually. “She said you were some kind of computer genius, from council housing to here.” 

She gasped as Josie said “council housing” and changed her expression into one that resembles mock outrage.  
“She said it was wonderful that you got a chance to come here like the rest of us,” Josie said, followed by a little giggle. 

Josies sweet giggle, made Penelope's heart flutter, for a reason she couldn't explain. The pub was quickly filling up, and the two girls were pushed closer together, their bare arms occasionally touching. On the side of her neck, Josie had a small birthmark, kind of shaped like a heart. Penelope was lost for a moment, looking at her soft skin, all her little freckles and scars, when Josie's eyes caught hers. 

“So how do you know Hope?” Penelope said, quickly looking away. 

“We went to school together when we were younger,” Josie said vaguely, as if she was thinking about something else in that moment. 

“To the Salvatore Boarding School?” She asked. 

“Yes.” Penelope had figured Josie was fancy, but not Salvatore school fancy. 

“And what about you?” Penelope said to the other girl. 

“What about me?” she said. She suddenly sounded defensive. 

“After we’re finished with this place I mean.” 

“Oh, I want to into paediatrics,” Josie said without pause. “I have five job offers in London, and I’ll decide by the end of the week which one to take.” 

“Wow, cool.” Penelope was beyond impressed. 

“Not exactly cool, but it’s what I do. Or rather what I will do.” She smiled weakly. 

“We’re never getting a drink, are we?”  
“No. Especially not now.” Josie said, her smile growing. 

Penelope nodded to a large group of burly men in rugby shirts. One of them was onky wearing short shorts which made Josie go bright red. 

“Quite so.” Josie said as she hid her face. 

She seemed suddenly very uninterested, and Penelope could imagine her weaving her way back to whatever friends she had and then never speaking to her again. No. She's just overthinking it. 

“Would you like to go out sometime?” Penelope asked. She had to be sure this wasn't just nothing. 

“Yes,” Josie said almost instantly, and her reply was so quick Penelope didn’t think she had understood the question at all. 

“I mean that...sorry,” she said, “maybe I’m confused? I thought you were asking me out.” 

“I did... I-I was,” Penelope said, leaning a little closer to Josie so she could hear her above the music. 

“Very well,” Josie said, smiling but practically yelling, just so she could be heard over the awfully loud music. Josie smelled of vanilla and freshly washed hair. 

“Sorry, it’s loud in here,” said Penelope. “So can I have your phone number or email or something?” 

Josie took a small step back, and Penelope blushed as she realized she was leaning into her. 

“Yes, although on one condition.” Josie said with a smirk. 

“Okay,” she said still thinking about her “that Penny” comment. “What is it?” 

“You give me my phone back.” Penelope looked down and realized she was still holding her Nokia. 

“Oh, shit, sorry.” She smiled and put her phone in her bag. 

“Okay,” she said. “It’s JosetteOliviaSaltzman at yahoo.co.uk. All one word. One s, two t's in Josette, no full stops and a capital before each name.” 

// 

A week later, they went to the cinema. Watching the opening trailers, Penelope could feel the warmth of Josie's body brushing slightly against hers. Penelope glanced at the other girl a few times and hoped she might turn toward her but she just stared at the screen, pushing her glasses up the bridge of her nose every so often, her back perfectly straight as if she was sitting in a church. Josie looked so cute wearing her rose gold, thin-framed glasses, although Penelope guessed she only wore then when she was reading or watching something. It made her look kind of dorky but in an adorable sort of way. The only movement she made was to silently take sweets from her pick ’n’ mix bag. Penelope had learned that Josie didn't like popcorn, she couldn't stand the texture of it. She had watched her count them out when she bought them: five from the top row, five from the bottom. 

Penelope fidgeted throughout the pretty much the entire movie. It was about a girl who fell in love with her bestfriend, but he couldn't return feelings and ran away to live in the wild. She couldn’t wait for it to end, it was getting tedious. Josie, however, seemed to be thoroughly enjoying it - judging by how still she sat the entire time, how her eyes never left the screen. When the movie ended, Penelope thought that she might be one of those people who liked to sit in silence until the final credit, but the moment the credits started rolling, she stood up and picked up her coat much to Penelopes relief. 

“So what did you think?” she said Josie, as they walked down the stairs almost perfectly in sync. 

“I hated every single minute of it.” Josie responded, taking Penelope by surprise. 

“Really?” 

“Yes, I thought it was absolutely awful.” 

They sat down at a table next to the window. 

“It’s funny, I thought you were enjoying it.” 

“No, I hated it. I found the boy to be rather unpleasant. Leaving everything he had behind, his family and friends and just leaving out of nowhere all because she fell in love with him. He broke the poor girls heart. He didn’t give two hoots about anyone but himself. He's selfish.” 

Two hoots. Penelope imagined for a moment introducing Josie to her friends back home. That would make them giggle. 

“So you're telling me you didn't think it was cool when he broke into his own house to take all his possessions and then proceeded to burn all his money?” she said, trying to wind Josie up. 

Josie took her glasses off, wiped the lenses with a small black cloth, and put them into a light brown case. 

"What on earth was cool about that? He could have caused a house fire.” she said matter of factly, her cheeks flushing, then she squinted a little, as if she needed to put her glasses back on. 

“Oh, you were joking,” she said, smiling. “I see, but really, though. His family must have worked so hard for everything he had and he gave it all up, because of...because of what? a tedious teenage crush. He was entirely self-centred if you ask me.” 

She suddenly seemed a little self-conscious and stopped talking as the waitress brought over the drinks. 

“How about you? Did you like it then, the movie?” Josie asked, when they were alone again. 

“No,” Penelope said. “I absolutely hated it.” 

Josie beamed. “Good. I’m glad.” 

“What was it he was always telling people? ‘Make each day a new horizon. Hearing that made me want to gag. and he was far to pacific when describing things. Something about that peeves me.” “God, yes,” she said, "And by the way, its specific not Pacific." Josie smirked while Penelope rolled her eyes. 

"Same difference." 

"No, not really. The Pacific is an ocean, Pen." 

Penelope's heart nearly burst at the nickname. 

“Its all rubbish in my opinion.” Josie said staring out of the window. 

“And you know what was hilarious to me?” Penelope said. 

“What?” 

“The one thing - the only thing that he really wanted to do, which was get married and have a family, well, he wasn’t very good at it, was he? He failed, he literally denied any opportunity for love.” 

“Exactly,” Josie said, laughing, her brown eyes flashing in the dimmed orange light of the bar. 

“God, you’re right, he was even bad at that. The thing is, if he had actually listened to advice from those around him, like his family, he might have gotten somewhere. He should have spoken to, I don't know, wilderness experts before he ran away.” 

“Wilderness experts? Really?” 

“Yes, wilderness experts,” she said, looking at Penelope sternly. “I think that’s the official name for them.” 

Penelope looked at Josie as she took a sip of her drink, and tried not to laugh. She admired Josie for a while, as the other girl stared out of the window still. She really was beautiful, her mouth always on the verge of a smile, her eyes sparkling. She was too good for this world, too pure. Penelope couldn't help but wonder what would happen when Josie accepts one of those job offers. She would probably forget all about Penelope. 

“And what about you, where do your parents live?” Josie said, and she realized she was staring at her. 

“My dad still lives in Belgium, I moved back from there a few years ago.” 

Josie hesitated, took a sip of her drink. “Are your parents divorced?” 

"Oh no, my mom lives there with him." 

There was a pause. 

“My mom died when I was born.” Josie said softly. 

“Oh,” said Penelope. “I’m so sorry.” 

“It’s okay,” she said, “It’s not your fault.” 

It took Penelope a moment to get her little joke. She grinned and Josie smiled back, a little more at ease. God, her smile was so beautiful, it could light up a city after dark. Josie didn’t like talking about that day. The day when her Dad told her that the woman she thought was her mom all her life, technically wasn't. Well, not biologically. She angled her body away from Penelope, her eyes glassy with tears and they both sat and sipped their drinks silently. Josie sighed and nervously fiddled with the menu on the table. Penelope rested her hand on Josie's, and suddenly all of Josie's anxiety disappeared. She held Penelope's hand tightly and she felt safe, with their hands intertwined. She smiled and looked at Penelope again. 

// 

They kissed as soon as they closed the bedroom door. After a few breathless minutes, Josie stopped and Penelope thought she was having second thoughts. But then she started to undress, as if she was alone in her own room, and Penelope just watched in awe of the beautiful woman in front of her. Josie didn’t mind Penelope watching her at all. When she was fully undressed she folded her clothes and left them in a tidy pile on the desk. Penelope expected Josie to be shy, and insecure, not that she had a reason to be though. But Josie was nothing like that. She was hungry, so unlike the mature and proper way she presents herself. Her desire was fiery and single minded - a quality Penelope found curiously masculine. 

They stayed awake until the early hours, shut behind hastily drawn curtains, their bodies pressed against with each other, until finally they slept.


	2. you run like you're in slow motion!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was a bit rushed but i hope you enjoy it all the same!  
> you might notice the kaylee bryant reference i made in this chapter :)

Penelope waited patiently for her in the indoor tennis court, feeling a little uncomfortable in her Man City football shirt and men's shorts. She wanted to impress Josie, shows her that she was sporty, to a certain extent, and that she didn’t just spend all her time in front of a computer. So they agreed to a game of tennis, which Josie said she had played once or twice at school.

Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Josie came out onto the court. In her tight cycling shorts and a black top, she looked good enough to be a model. God. she looked more than good enough. Penelope admired the other girl for minute, smiling widely. 

“What?”

“What do you mean, what?” said Penelope, stifling a laugh at Josie's confusion.

“Well, your clothes aren’t exactly regulation either, Miss. With your Man City football shirt. At least pick a better team.” Josie giggled at the look that fell on Penelope's face.

“Hey, I didn’t even say anything. Actually I was just thinking about how perfect you looked, but with that attitude, you ruined the moment.” Penelope said grinning and looking away from her. Josie blushed and took a step forward.

“Right then. Shall we play?” she said, awkwardly holding her racket with two hands. They started warming up, slowly hitting the ball back and forth. Except Josie wasn’t really hitting the ball, but flailing her racket around struggling even when she was the one serving. 

“I’m not very good without my glasses,” Josie said laughing, as she threw the ball in the air, and tried to hit it towards Penelope. She missed by a long shot but they carried on like that for a while, not doing anything that would really resemble a game. 

The one time she finally hit it, it went far, right to the other end of the court.

"Shotgun not getting it!" Penelope yelled.

"Shotgun? What on earth does that mean?" said Josie, puzzled.

"Nevermind, it's just a saying. Although I'm still not getting the ball."

"Fine, I'll go get it." Josie said before running to the other side of the court. Penelope watched her and couldn't contain her laughter. She started up in fits of giggles. When Josie returned, she was bemused.

"What's so funny now?" she said, but she couldn't keep the smile off her face. "Are you laughing at my running? Why, what's wrong with it?"

Penelope finally managed to catch her breath. "You run like you're in slow motion!" she managed to say before laughing again hysterically.

"No, I do not!" Josie said, crossing her arms like a toddler having a tantrum.

"Yes, you do!"

"No I don't, I run perfectly normal, thank you."

"Wow, you like denial town that much? Is the weather there treating you nice?" Penelope said pushing Josie's shoulder jokingly and giggling.

"Here, Let me prove it." Josie says with a huge grin on her face, "Watch me run in slow motion."

Josie starts slowly running across the court, her arms flailing about in what she called "slow motion." At this point Penelope could barely breathe, and her chest was in pain from her level of laughter. Josie stopped when she reached the other side and turned back to look at Penelope, who is now collapsed on the floor with exhaustion, still smiling madly.

"See, now that is slow motion." Josie said as she made her way back to Penelope, taking a seat on the floor next to her.

"No, what that was, was hilarious." Penelope placed her head on the taller girls shoulder and let out a soft sigh.

“Okay, I lied,” Josie said, resting her head lightly on top of Penelope's. 

“You lied about what?”

“I’ve actually never played tennis.” 

“Oh,” Penelope said, once again trying not to laugh. 

“I asked Hope and she said it was easy. She said that Landon can play it and we both know he's bad at pretty much every sport going, bless him. She said anyone can play, but apparently not. I feel even more incapable because he can do it and I can't. Now that's embarrassing.”

Penelope wished then that she could have taken a picture of Josie in that tennis court earlier. She looked so beautiful, her dark shorts accentuating her thin, pale legs, her dimpled cheeks flushed with pink from exercising. 

“How many times have you played?” Josie asked.

"I don’t know, like four or five at school.” 

Josie was quiet, biting her lip. “Well, the truth is, I hate sports, I don't mind running but now I know I run in slow motion I might add it to my list.” She looked at Penelope, trying to keep a straight face, but a smile was tugging at the corners of her lips.

“I thought you wanted to play today?” Penelope said, putting her arm around Josie's cold shoulders. "And I was only kidding about the running thing." She pouted.  
  
Josie smiled. “Not really. I thought you wanted to,” she said, gently tapping her racket against her thigh. “I only did it because I didn’t want you to think that I was, well, sedentary.” 

Penelope smiled when she said that. Sedentary. It was a very Josie word. After another five minutes of sitting there, they went outside. It was scorching in the sun. They sat on a small wall that overlooked an enclosed field with children, mostly young ones and a few teenagers, running around some sort of summer camp. Penelope and Josie had both decided that they would stay the summer in Cambridge, living off of the rest of their student loans. Josie said she wanted to do all the touristy sort of things Cambridge had to offer that she had never done because she had always been working hard in order to get her first-class honours. There was never a moment Josie wasn't working hard.

So they walked around a few different parks, spent an afternoon in the Science Museum and a morning in the botanical gardens although most of the time they just spent in bed. 

As the summer went on, their friends eventually left. They all went off traveling, some went to Australia, others going on a roadtrip in a camper van across South America. While Penelope couldn't help but feel a little bit of regret when they left, a sense that she was missing out on something, Josie and Penelope both agreed that traveling just wasn’t for them. At least not right now. They hadn’t gone to Cambridge just to throw it all away “finding themselves” somewhere in the Amazon Rainforest.

Besides, Penelope had her computing to think about; the software she had began writing just before she met Josie. The company she one day hoped to start. Though deep down, Penelope knee the real reason. She didn’t want to be apart from Josie. They were inseparable, almost like love-struck teens who everyone can see are headed for the fall. Whenever they tried to spend just one night alone in our own rooms, they were miserable and moody. They broke, usually within an hour, Josie knocking lightly on Penelope's door to join her, blanket in hand, the same rhythmic knock everytime. 

There was a James Arthur song that they both loved: "Say you won't let go." Josie would sometimes sing it softly in Penelope's ear as she was falling asleep. There was a specific line that made Penelope feel something she couldn't describe.

_I wanna live with you, even when we're ghosts 'cause you were always there for me when I needed you most. ___

__People always thought Josie was closed off, but she wasn’t like that with Penelope. One evening, without probing, she told Penelope about her childhood, and about her twin sister, Lizzie. She opened up about the fact that she had always felt inferior to Lizzie, that Lizzie was favoured. In these careful, considered sentences, she talked about her dad, his division from the church. She talked about her mother: how she found it hard to accept her father’s wrongdoing; how she channeled her love into her work. Penelope learned that Josie's mom was actually head of the Salvatore School._ _

__It was a flood of emotion to find out that this person that Penelope thought was so guarded actually lay entirely open, and the one she wanted to let in to see the real her was not her father, or Lizzie or even Hope, but Penelope._ _

__//_ _

__The sun was getting hotter, and they sat on the wall drinking some water that Josie had brought in a flask._ _

__“Do you want to go and play tennis again?” Penelope asked._ _

__“No,” Josie said. “I think I’ve humiliated myself enough today.”_ _

__“I enjoyed it.”_ _

__“Yes,” she said, “I’m sure you did.”_ _

__“You do look very cute in your shorts.” She smiled and dug Penelope gently in the ribs._ _

__“God, it’s hot, isn’t it,” Josie said, wiping her brow, hoping to avert the conversation away from her and her shorts. The momentary breeze had gone and it felt like it was well over 40 degrees._ _

__“We could go in the shade over there?” Penelope suggested, pointing to an sheltered area on the other side of the field._ _

__Josie looked up. “We could, but we’d have to cross the field,” she said. “And look.” They hadn’t even noticed it before, but a group of animals - adults in furry suits - had joined the children on the field. A lion, a tiger, a mouse, they looked like the cast out member of a gone wrong Disney parade. It looked like there was some kind of awards ceremony going on at the camp, and the children were waiting in line for their prizes._ _

__“What are they doing?” Josie asked._ _

__“Getting medals, I think.”_ _

__“Right, I get that, but why the animals?”_ _

__Penelope shrugged and Josie squinted, trying to get a better view._ _

__“I don’t like the look of them,” Josie said._ _

__“The animals or the children?”_ _

__“The animals.”_ _

__Penelope looked over at them. In a certain light, they looked quite sinister, their furry curled up into creepy smiles. She's surprised the children weren't running from them._ _

__“There’s a lot of them.”_ _

__“Indeed,” Josie said warily._ _

__“Shall we risk it then?” Penelope said, getting off of the wall._ _

__“No,” Josie said indignantly. “We can’t just run across the field, Penelope. It’s some kind of school thing!”_ _

__“We’re not going to get arrested.”_ _

__“We might!" she said._ _

__“Well, I’m going,” Penelope said, looking back, expecting Josie to follow. “It’s better than sitting here and cooking in the sun.”_ _

__She started running across the pitch, but Josie stayed put where she was, looking sheepish, as if she was gathering the courage to jump into a freezing cold swimming pool. Now safely in the shade on the other side, Penelope waved at her to come across and she cautiously began to move. In an attempt to appear less suspicious, she decided to walk, but there was something about her nervousness that made her stand out._ _

__The host of ceremony on the microphone stopped talking, and the heads of all the children, the parents and the weird looking animals all turned to stare at Josie. She smiled politely, aware that all eyes were on her, and then broke into a hurried trot. In her gym shorts and oversized shirt, she could have passed for a teenager, which was probably why a large orange tiger intercepted her, linked arms and then dragged her into the line of children. Penelope started to laugh, thinking she would make a break for it, but Josie —polite, diligent Josie —stayed in line, waiting for her prize._ _

__After receiving her litrle medal, Josie had to walk down, greeting a line of animals. Even from where she was standing, Penelope could see the flicker of fear on Josie's face. With her medal round her neck, she moved down the line, being embraced by each animal one by one. First the tiger, then the lion, then the giant mouse and then an animal Penelope couldn't quite make out, but she was pretty sure it was an elephant._ _

__Despite the animals advances, Josie didn’t hug back. When it was all over, when the children had gone back to greet their oh-so-proud parents, Josie walked sheepishly back to where Penelope was standing in the shade, her cheeks bright red, little bits of animal fur stuck to her shirt._ _

__"Oh my God,” Penelope said, still laughing. “What were you doing?”_ _

__Josie started to giggle and wiped the sweat off her brow. “I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. The tiger cornered me.”_ _

__“Why didn’t you just leave?” Penelope said, handing her the thermos of water._ _

__“I don’t know. I was in the line and then...it was too late...stop laughing!" She said to Penelope frowning. "Its not funny."_ _

__“It is.”_ _

__“Well, maybe a bit. And anyway, it’s your fault.”_ _

__“How?”_ _

__“For making me cross that pitch. You’re an absolute idiot,” she said, sipping the water._ _

__“It’s literally my worst nightmare. Being hugged in public.”_ _

__“And by animals.”_ _

__"Well, quite.” They sat for a moment, cooling off in the shade, and Penelope knew then that she couldn’t possibly love her any more._ _


	3. i want to live with you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't hate me please, it gets better :)

They were sitting by a quiet stream, with a bottle of wine and some sandwiches. It was another sweltering day, heat haze hugged the banks of the river like morning mist, and the sound of jazz piano floated across the water from a cafe on the shore. 

“Are you ever going to put that away, P?” Josie said. 

Penelope had spent the rest of her student loan money on a digital camera and some extra lenses for it. 

“Yeah, yeah,” she said, fiddling with the settings, trying to work out how to adjust a few things.

“Seriously, stop pointing it at me. I feel like a model or something.” 

“You look like a model,” Penelope said, and took a photo of her. Josie stuck out her tongue and turned toward the water, stretching her legs out on the grass surrounding the river bank. 

“So, have you had any progress?” Josie said casually. 

“On what?” 

“Looking for a job, I mean.” 

“Oh, that,” Penelope said. “I sent off a few CVs but I haven’t heard anything back yet. Do you want more wine?” 

Josie put her hand over her plastic cup and shook her head softly, and Penelope poured herself some more. 

“You seem pretty relaxed about it all.” 

Penelope shrugged. “I’m not going to worry.”

Josie pouted, and started to bit her lip, something she did when she didn’t agree. 

“Well, you’ve only sent off a few CVs. I sent off about fifteen applications and only got five job offers.” 

“What happened with the other ten?” Penelope said.

“I don’t know,” she said, suddenly looking a little sad, not realizing Penelope was making a joke. “It’s really annoying that they haven’t responded. I don’t understand why.” 

She had become a little agitated in recent weeks, suddenly concerned about Penelope's career plans. Josie had a job lined up, as an intern at a major hospital in London, and had started asking questions. What would Penelope do next? Would she join her in London and look for a job? Penelope's heart wasn’t really in the job search, because all she could think about was her maps.

“I’m still hoping my maps idea will pan out, to be honest,” She said, pouring more wine into her cup and stretching out her legs. Josie’s face tightened. 

“So what is this maps computery thing again?” she asked, pulling her sunglasses off her face. “You never really explained it.” 

“I thought I did.” 

“Well, maybe you did. But I still don’t understand it,” she said, and she seemed angry and Penelope couldn’t figure out why. 

“Well,” she said, sitting up and turning to face Josie. “It’s still early, but the software basically allows people to customize their own maps. For example, you could map out your morning cycling route or where you went for a jog last weekend. Or you could upload your photos on a tourist sort of map for other people to see.”

“You’d put the photos on the map?” 

“Yes.”

Josie pouted. “That seems rather strange, doesn’t it. Why would anyone want to do that? It's a bit personal in my opinion.” 

“I don’t know,” Penelope said, beginning to feel a little annoyed. “Because they can I guess.” 

"You might get followed, it's dangerous."

They sat in silence for a little while, and Josie started to slowly pack away the picnic things into her backpack. “Anyway, you don’t really know anything about maps, do you?” Josie said. “I mean, people study for years to do this sort of thing. My father's cousin did. It's called cartography. It’s an incredibly skilled profession.”

“Why are you being so weird about this?” 

“I’m not, Penelope. I’m just asking.”

“Nothing’s changed, Josie.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I’m still coming to London, if that’s what this is really about.” 

Josie snorted a little. “It’s not about that. It’s nothing to do with that.”

“So why does it bother you so much?” She didn’t answer, continued packing away the picnic things. Penelope knew why it bothered her. It was her plan to do it alone. Josie saw it as a risk, a swerve from the proper course. To her, Penelope wasn't trying hard enough. She should be applying for a job, not playing with computer games. That, after all, was why they had gone to Cambridge, why they had studied so hard. 

“You’re exasperating sometimes, I hope you're aware of that,” she said, staring out across the river. “You’re always so absolutely certain you’ll get what you want.” 

“And what’s wrong with that?” Penelope questioned.

“Because it doesn’t always work like that.” 

“It has for me so far.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Well, everything I’ve worked for, I’ve got so far.” Penelope was fully awake that she sounded arrogant, but she also felt under attack. 

Josie turned away angrily and smoothed down her skirt. “Well, as long as you know what you’re doing.” 

“Why does it bother you so much?” Penelope asked. 

“It doesn’t.” 

“Yes, it does. You’re pissed off now.” 

She reached across Penelope and poured herself some wine. “It just seems impulsive, kind of as if you haven’t thought it through. You’ve just graduated at the top of your class, Penelope, companies would be practically begging to employ you, but you want to do this thing with maps and computers.” 

“Right, because I think I can make it work. And besides, I don’t want to work for a company, I told you that.” 

Josie exhaled deeply. “Yes, you’ve made that quite clear,” she said. They had reached a dead end, and they both sat complete silence. Apart from a few minor squabbles, it was the first argument they had ever had. 

“It is about that,” Josie after a while, her voice barely audible. 

“About what?”

“What I said earlier. I said it wasn’t about London, but it is. I just want to know you’re definately coming.” 

Penelope looked up at her. She was so beautiful, her knees tucked up to her chest, like a young child, her hair sprinkled with tiny dandelion seeds.

“Of course I’m coming to London,” Penelope said, moving close to her. “But there is one thing.”

“What?” Josie replied, looking worried.

“I want us to live together. I know it’s not been long, but I want to live with you, because I- I love you.” 

Josie took a second to realise what Penelope has said, and as soon as she did, a blush grew on her face but a smile even bigger.

"I love you too, P"


	4. it's difficult to recognise a genius

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it’s been a while! i've been focusing on my exams but hopefully i'll be able to update more now :)

"Josie, can you talk? You’re not gonna believe this." 

Penelope was standing outside the meeting room in an office. 

"Is everything all right?" Josie said, a note of something Penelope would describe as concern in her voice. Penelope was trying to keep her voice down as the corridor walls were rather thin and there were at least 50 other meetings going on in the block.

"They want the software. My software. They want to buy the fucking software."

There was a pause, a faint crackle on the line. 

"This isn’t one of your jokes, is it, Penelope?" Josie said. 

"No, no, not at all. I'm sorry I can’t talk for long but they’re in the room now, looking at all of the papers. I didn’t even have to pitch the idea myself. They just want it. They get it, they get me."

The company had been recommended by a friend of Penelope's. A start-up company run by someone called Emily, who had been a few years above Penelope at Cambridge. 

"That’s fantastic, Penelope. It’s brilliant news," she said, but it was as if she was waiting for Penelope to tell her something else. 

"And guess how much they want to pay me for it?"

"I don’t know, um…"

"One and a half million." Even Josie couldn’t contain her excitement. 

"As in pound sterling?"

"Yes, pounds. I still can’t believe it, this is going to change everything."

Josie took a deep breath and Penelope heard a shuffling sound, which sounded like Josie blowing her nose. 

"Jo, are you okay?" 

"Yes," she said, sniffing a little. "I just don’t know what to say…" 

"I know, me too. We have to celebrate tonight. It's only right." 

"Yes, of course," she said, a note of caution in her voice. "I still don’t understand, though. So what actually happened? What did they...?"

Penelope could hear the scraping of chairs against the floor of the meeting room, and the sound of people standing up. 

"Josie, I’ve got to go now, but I’ll call you in a bit, okay?"

"Okay," she said, "but don’t do anything hasty, Pen. Don’t sign anything, okay? Just say you need to discuss everything with your lawyers or something." 

"Yeah, yeah, I’ve got it." 

"I’m serious, P." 

"Okay, okay, don’t worry Jo. I’ll call you later." 

The thick heat hit her as soon as she left the building. She stood for a moment, blinking into the sunlight, just watching the lanes of traffic hurtle around the roundabout. The past nine months hadn’t been easy. Living in the city in a rented apartment that Josie paid for. While Penelope worked late through the night- mainly caffeine fuelled writing sessions– Josie got up early to go to work. They didn’t see much of each other, sometimes a little wave and good morning in their dressing gowns in the morning – Josie getting up, Penelope turning in. It was just for a while, they both agreed. It would be better once her training period was over, and when Penelope had finished writing her software. Josie thoroughly loved her job, working as an intern at the local hospital. It was perfect for her: Josie was a stickler for rules, she knew where the hospital could trip up. And because she knew the rules, she also knew how to get around them, the legal short cuts and side doors that lurked in the small print. Her talents were recognised and she was working in major surgery in just her first few months.

Penelope was still buzzing with excitement and didn’t know what to do with herself, so she started walking towards Old street, now out of the sun, and in the shadow of the city. She tried to call Josie but her phone was obviously switched off so she ducked into a pub for a pint. She knew she was right. All those hours of coding, sleeping under an blanket on the floor. Penelope had always told people technology would change everything and they always rolled their eyes. But it was true.

The beer began to have a rather calming effect and it felt like a great weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. It hadn’t been the plan – Josie paying the rent and lending Penelope the money to buy a new suit for all the conferences. She would never say it outright but Penelope knew what she thought. That she should do a business course or something, an internship lip herself, that she should put her silly maps and coding idea on the backburner for now.

Everyone always thought that it would be Penelope, that she would be the precocious one dripping in cash. Because she had a record. She told people she would do a First – and she did. She told my disbelieving tutors she would win the annual Cambridge computing competition – and she did, every year. But London hadn’t really been like that. While Josie flew off every fortnight for work, Penelope sat on the sofa in her boxer shorts watching The Chase and eating leftover rice from the Chinese the day before. 

Penelope's phone rang. It was Josie. 

"Hello." 

"You’re in a pub, aren’t you?" 

"How did you guess? I had training and I’ve finished early. Do you want to come and meet me at Old Street?’ 

It was a bustling Thursday night. The streets were packed with people in suits, the buzz of the work week coming to an end. Josie had arrived at the pub but she couldn't see Penelope through the crowd of people waiting for a drink. She saw Josie walk in, and was instantly sucked into admiring the woman in front of her. Penelope loved watching her: the cautious way she approached the bar; the calculations she knew Josie was making about the best place to stand; the way she fiddled with her glasses. 

"Hello," Penelope said and she turned around and smiled. For a moment Penelope thought she was going to hug her, but she just stared, blinking intensely as if the light was hurting her eyes. 

"I owe you an apology, P..." she said. 

"Why would you think that?" 

"Because I wasn’t very supportive of your idea, you know, your software and stuff and I’m sorry." 

"That’s not true, Josie, if you think about it, you’ve essentially funded the whole thing by paying the rent here…"

"Yes, but that’s not what I mean. It’s such a horrible thing to say but I think I doubted you. And for that, I’m very sorry. I'm very ashamed about it." 

She swallowed and suddenly looked very nervous. 

"It’s okay." Penelope said, putting her arm around Josie's waist, "I understand that sometimes it’s difficult to recognise a genius." Penelope said with a wink.

Josie poked her in the ribs and removed Penelope's arm from around her waist. 

"Don’t get cocky. Wait, what on earth am I saying? You’re the cockiest girl I’ve ever met." Josie said, smirking.

"Ouch, harsh. Shall we get drinks?" 

Josie looked wistfully towards the bar. "I’m trying, although my plan of attack isn’t working." 

Suddenly, she turned to Penelope and awkwardly kissed her on the cheek. It was a chaste kiss, like the kiss you would give an elderly aunt or grandparent, but for Josie, a rare display of public affection. 

"I promised myself I won’t cry," she said, "and I always keep my promises, but I wanted to say how proud I am of you. Really, Pen. You’ve worked so hard to get where you are and you deserve these opportunities."

Penelope was just about to say something when she saw Josie tighten the strap on her laptop bag. She nodded towards the bar.

"Let’s go," she said. "We have an opening." 

"Did you tell your dad?" Josie asked after they had found a table and she had gone over everything that had happened at the meeting.

"Over the moon, babe. That’s a man's wages, that is," she said, mimicking her dad’s voice.

Josie rolled her eyes at the rather sexist remark he had made, but decided to stay quiet about it. 

"No, he was really pleased. You know how sentimental he gets sometimes." 

Penelope could tell that her dad was trying not to cry when she had told him. 

"Jesus, Penny," he kept saying. "Jesus."

When he had caught his breath, he had told Penelope how proud he was. "I still can’t believe it," he kept saying. "First Cambridge and now this!?"

Josie took a small notebook out of her bag. "I am very pleased of course, but I do have a few questions." 

"Uh-oh. You’ve made a list, haven’t you?" 

"Of course I have, silly." Josie flipped a page and there was a numbered list in her impeccably neat handwriting. 

"Oh my God, you actually did." She blushed a little. 

"It’s a big opportunity for you, Penelope. I’m certainly not going to let you waste it."

"It’s a big opportunity for us both." Josie fiddled with her rings and took another sip of her drink.

"Seriously though, can we go down my list? I’m getting nervous now." 

"We could order some champagne first." Josie slowly shook her head. 

"What, really? Come on, let’s celebrate." 

"I’m not trying to be a killjoy. It’s just that we’ll pay stupid amounts here." 

"Jesus, Josie. I think you're forgetting that I just made one and a half million pounds."

"I know and that’s good," she said, lowering her voice in case anyone happened to be listening. "It also brings me on to my first question." Josie pushed her glasses up her nose.

"You look so sexy in your new glasses," Penelope said, raising an eyebrow. 

"Thank you. That’s very kind of you. But, Pen. Please." She wiped some dust off of the page. "So will they be paying you a salary?" 

"Huh?" 

"On top of the money, will they be paying you?"

Penelope thought back to the meeting. It was all a bit of a blur to her but she thinks they mentioned something about a salary. 

"They will actually. They basically want me to run the company for them." Josie beamed. 

"Oh, I’m so glad." 

"Wait, you’re happier about that than what they actually paid for the software?" 

"Yes, I am in a way. You’ll probably think me strange, but a regular income does mean more to me." 

"Wait, what?" 

Josie tried to hide her anxiousness from Penelope's reaction and suddenly looked very solemn, her work face. 

"Really, it does. Look, the windfall is great but it'll just be a pot that will keep getting smaller. Whereas your regular income is a pot that, over time, will keep getting bigger."

"That makes sense, I guess." 

"Sometimes it's difficult to recognise a genius," Josie said, smiling smugly and turning the page of her notebook. "Now, can I get through the rest of my list?"


	5. an impromptu wedding

There was a rather strange musty smell in Josie's dad's house: it reminded Penelope of Parma Violets or the weird scented handkerchiefs old people put in their sock drawers. They sat and ate in almost silence, just the eerie tick of the clock, the scratch of their cutlery on the china plates. The food was concoction of turkey, mushy, overcooked vegetables, and a glass of champagne, which Josie said had been brought out in Penelope's honour. 

"And how is your father, Penelope?" Josie's father said, putting down his fork. He was wearing a suit, a dark grey three piece that was worn and tattered around the edges. 

"He’s fine, thank you. Still driving his taxi. Although his health isn’t so good at the moment."

Josie's father didn’t say anything and looked down at his plate. For the last three Christmas' they had been to Penelope’s parents'. They had moved back from Belgium because they wanted to be closer to Penelope what with her dad's health declining. But this year, out of Josie's sense of duty more than anything else, they decided to stay with her dad in their little village on the coast. 

"And will he be spending Christmas alone?"

"Nah, he's got my mum with him, and they're going round his best mate's... best friend's for dinner."

A slight smirk grew on Josie's face. It highly amused her, how Penelope tried to talk posh around her father. 

"He’ll be fine. He treated himself to a flat-screen TV and we got him a new Sky Sports subscription so, yeah, he’s like a pig in…" Penelope nearly choked on her sprout. "So yeah, he’s really happy." 

At the other end of the table, Josie stifled a laugh and took a small sip of champagne. 

"They’re expensive, aren’t they, those new televisions," Josie’s father said, wiping his mouth with a napkin. They were a pristine family. For some reason, he had served the food wearing rubber gloves and his hands underneath were a pale white, as if they had been scrubbed clean with a Brillo pad. 

"Oh, he’s paying in monthly payments," Penelope said. "He got one of those deals for Christmas."

Silence. 

They all listened to the ticking clock, the wind and rain hammering on the window. 

"We’ve never been in debt, Josie, have we? Never had a mortgage or bought anything on credit." Penelope smiled politely. She desperately wanted to say, 'that’s because the church gave you the house and because you haven’t bought as much as a new shirt in thirty years.' 

He had been amazing once, Josie had said. 

"And how about you, Penelope?" Josie’s father said, finally breaking the silence, "Are you working much at the moment?" 

She wasn’t really, but she couldn’t tell him that. The company didn’t have a main office any more. There was no need, Emily, the investor, had said. They could just source most of the programming to a company in Belgium. So two or three times a week, Penelope sat in a conference call with a guy named Dave. For everything else, they just used a video call.

Penelope never really had enough to do. She spent most of her day writing comments on other people's online forums or going on walks to take some photos. 

"Oh, you know, bits and pieces, stuff with the company." 

She expected Josie's father to say something but he just nodded, staring past her at something on the wall. He didn’t approve of Penelope's career, he just thought that she had got lucky, as if making money was some sort of magician's trick. It annoyed her that he thought they were extravagant. Josie and Penelope put the money they earned mostly into the house, a tall, slightly rundown Georgian house right at the top of a hill. They got new clothes and a car, but they weren’t exactly flying off to the Bahamas every week. 

"Well, jobs aren’t easy to find these days, that’s for sure," he said, as if Penelope were unemployed, as if she was incapable of bringing any money home. 

"And how about you, Josette? Your work I mean," he said stiffly and it was unfathomable to her that they were father and daughter.

"Fine, yes," Josie said, and Penelope expected her to go on, to expand on what she had said, but she didn't.

Before Penelope had met Josie's father, she had been warned about him. She said he was cold, strange, and they had never been very close. The problem, she said, was that he loved his work more than he did her. He would sometimes travel to villages in Africa to see the sights and visit the less fortunate children. When things were bad, when her father was away on one of his ‘trips’, he didnt speak to her at all and neither did anyone else in her family, as if his lust for village girls was somehow Josie's fault. There was a story she told about Nairobi, which, no matter how she spun it, Penelope could never makes sense of it. 

When her mother was still alive, her parents would sometimes take in girls from the parish, the destitute or the troubled, and after her mother passed, her father continued to do so. Now Josie took place of her mother and was expected to wait on them. Not just make them welcome, although she was more than happy to do that, but serve them tea, clean their beds, bring them a towel after they bathed. She understood the need to help the less fortunate. That had been drummed into her since she had been a child. But sometimes it was as if they were the daughters, she said, and not her. Her father never cared for her as a child, and independence was forced upon her far too young. 

That evening at Josie’s parents, Penelope huddled under a blanket in her room reading The Perks of Being A Wallflower. Even though they were now married – an impromptu wedding on a beach in Bali – they were still given separate bedrooms. The room was sparse: a bed, a bedside table, and a Bible. There was no WiFi or phone signal, just a dusty shelf full of old, beige books, their titles barely legible and worn away.

Their sleeping arrangement was punishment, Josie thought, for their unplanned and unannounced wedding, a union that hadn’t been blessed by the Church, nor their parents. That was the difference between them. Penelope's father couldn’t have been happier, he was thrilled in fact, telling them it was their wedding, they could do whatever they liked. Josie's dad just smouldered. 

Penelope heard a soft knock at the door and Josie came into the room, wearing her coat. 

"I can’t take this any more," she said. "We need to find a pub."


	6. maybe we should try

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry it took me so long to update :// i've been really busy with school but hopefully it won't be such a long wait for the next chapter :)

Their plan was to just go for a quick evening stroll, but instead they marched two miles into the nearest town. The breeze on their faces had never felt so sweet. So intent on finding any signs of life, Josie and Penelope barely spoke as they speed-walked along the dark country road. The little seaside town was dead. Only the lighthouse seemed alive, out of place and towering over the town, its beam of light battling with the moon. All that could be heard were the tapping of their footsteps and the soft sound of the sea. 

"Everything’s going to be shut, isn’t it?" Penelope said. 

"We’ve got to keep looking," Josie responded as they turned into yet another dark, cobbled street. Just as they were about to give up, and thought of getting a taxi to the next town over, they turned the corner and light spilled out onto the street. A hotel, which also doubled as a bar. As they opened the creaky wooden door, it was like easing themselves into a steaming hot bath. They stood in the doorway and took it all in; the warm glow and chatter of the bar, the flicker and pinging of the slot machines. 

"What do you want?" Penelope asked Josie at the bar, having to shout to be heard above the noise. 

"A pint of lager and I think I’ll have a double of something." 

"A what now?" 

"A double. A double measure of spirits." Josie started laughing. She didn’t drink a huge amount and Penelope had never seen her drink spirits. 

"Umm, okay, I think I'll just have a beer." 

"Very well," Josie said, sounding a little like her father. She was looking at the menu that was hanging above the bar. 

"Gin. I think I’ll have a gin." 

"Okie dokie," Penelope said, trying to catch the barman’s attention. 

"A beer and a gin please." 

Josie nudged her. 

"But, Penny, it has to be a double. Two of them in one glass." 

"Yep, I got it, love," Penelope said, smiling. They sat quietly at the bar, on two stools facing towards each other. Josie drank her gin, all down in one and winced a little, her cheeks flushing a deep red. She let out a sigh of relief. 

"I’m sorry," she said, chasing the gin with her beer. "About my father I mean. I realise it’s not easy." 

"It’s fine, I said that." 

Josie shook her head. "It’s not fine actually. He's very strange. And the thing is, believe it or not, this is actually him being nice." 

"Really?" Penelope said, nearly spitting out her drink. 

"Really," she said. He just doesn’t like it here. In England, I mean. He's very unhappy and it shows. He likes to blame me and my 'stupid career' like its all my fault." 

She took a long sip of her drink. "I much prefer it with your father or on our own. It’s a horrible thing to say, but I wish we could do that every year." 

Penelope knew now why Josie was so keen to spend Christmas in her father's little terrace on the estate, which he had decorated with bright lights and a blowup reindeer. She had been nervous the first time she had taken Josie back home for Christmas. As her dad got older and sicker, he didn’t really want to celebrate. One year they all ordered Chinese; another they ate their Christmas lunch at a restaurant. But with Josie coming, her parents said they would do the full works, just how they used to do it when Penelope was little. He got his best friend's wife to show him how to do the turkey and roast potatoes and they even got a vegetarian alternative for Josie. He got the tree down from the loft and bought some cheese and crackers from the corner shop. And for the first time in his life, he bought a brown sliced loaf instead of his usual white one. From the first moment he met her, Penelope's father said Josie was family. She always thought he might joke about how posh Josie was but he never did. 

That first Christmas, they spent most of their time talking in the lounge. Her mother and father loved hearing about Josie’s time in Africa and her stories from the boarding school. She loved hearing their stories too. 

When the drinks were flowing later in the afternoon, Penelope's father got out the photo albums and they all sat huddled up on the old worn-out couch. 

"Goodness, and look at you." Josie said, pointing to a photo of awkward, preteen Penelope. 

"You’re so skinny." 

"She always was. I honestly don’t know where she gets it from. Certainly not from me," her mother said, laughing loudly. 

That afternoon, Penelope didn’t think she had ever seen Josie look more relaxed, more at home, her feet up on the coffee table, a drink in her hand. 

After that, they went to Penelope's parents house for every Christmas, their family traditions brought back to life by Josie’s presence. She loved their traditions, the things she said she had never had. The early morning wake ups and decorations. The tins of chocolate. The stockings full of gifts. Going to the bar for a drink while the food was cooking. The bingo. The party hats that Penelope's dad made them wear all day. In the afternoon, Penelope's father would get all over-emotional after having a few drinks, and would tell Penelope and Josie just how much he loved them. And then, at almost exactly the same time every year, he would fall asleep peacefully in his armchair. 

"We could all spend it together, my parents and your dad" Penelope suggested, putting her hand on Josie’s arm. "Although I can’t imagine your dad doing the karaoke." 

Josie laughed and suddenly she leant over and kissed her, full on the lips, and Penelope felt a wave of lust; a pent-up desire. 

"Wow. Be careful, Jo. Definitely a public display of affection there." Penelope said with a giggle. Josie sat back on her stool. "Hmm, It’s the gin, I think. I’m being serious, though. I don’t want to come here for Christmas again. I know- I know its harsh because at the end of the day, he is my father, but...I don’t want that." Josie lowered her head, almost as if she was embarrassed by what she had said. 

"I missed you last night," she said. 

"What? In your teenage bedroom?" Penelope joked. 

"Yes." She blushed. "It actually made me feel quite alone.’ 

"Really? Well, I could always come into yours." 

"No," Josie said quickly and then looked around her thinking. "But, I will come to you." 

Penelope started laughing. "Are you drunk?" 

She giggled. "A little actually. It’s just the Christmas cheer. But seriously, Penny, I forbid you to come out of your room. It’s much easier for me to do it. I know the times my father falls asleep. I know which floorboards squeak on the landing. I know how to close the door without making the latch click. It"s like an escape plan thats been perfected overtime." Josie laughed. 

"Wow, I’m impressed." 

"I’m not quite as boring as you think, darling." 

"But what if we make a noise?" Penelope said, half-joking, buzzed from the alcohol. 

"Oh, we won’t. Or at least I know I won’t." Josie said with a smirk. 

Penelope looked at her quizzically. "I went to boarding school, where my father is the headmaster, I learnt how not to make a noise." 

She smiled at Penelope mischievously and finally got the barmans attention. "Could I get another gin?" The barman nodded. "A double, please." 

*** 

They were a little drunk walking home. For safety, Josie made them walk in single file, facing the traffic. When cars came towards them, she pulled Penelope into the verge to let them pass. When they finally reached the pavement, they walked arm in arm. 

"Are you still coming to my room?" Penelope said. 

"Yes. We have an agreement," she said. She then stopped, Penelope thought that maybe there was another car, but the road was empty. A silence lingered for a few minutes before Josie spoke again. 

"Pen, have you ever thought that maybe we should try..." she said. 

"Try what?" 

"To have children." 

"Are you drunk?" 

"Umm...Tipsy," she said. 

"Really?" Penelope said. They had never really spoken much about children. Its a long, exhausting and expensive journey. They were happy with their childless lives. Josie’s career; Star Wars and Harry Potter marathons and barbecues at the weekend. Going boating in the park, museums on rainy days, lazy afternoons together. It was the life they had always imagined. A life with children was supposed to be in the distant future. 

Penelope had watched Josie whenever she was around children. She saw her hold their friends baby once and she cradled the child so awkwardly, like a careless Mary in the nativity play. 

"Yes, really," Josie said, biting her lip nervously. "During lunch today, I was thinking about your parents and how much I love going there for Christmas. Just that warmth of being in a family. A proper, loving family. And I really want to have that as well, I want us to make that our own." 

Penelope pulled Josie close and kissed her on the forehead. Loving Josie was like a secret that no one else knew. The type of secret you keep close to you, that you would never reveal. Because Penelope was the only one, the only one that Josie let in. And she would hold that with her forever. 

They stood like that for a while, on the side of the road, just gently swaying in the silver moonlight.


	7. 2 little pink lines.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm sorry, this chapter is very very short, school has been very time consuming. the next chapter will be longer :))  
> i would also like to add a tw here as the next to chapters talk about miscarriage.

2 little pink lines. In the end that was all it was. Penelope remembered the way the doctor paused; the silence in the room was so loud. Josie thought that the monitor had frozen, because the small greyish blob wasn’t moving. At all. Penelope could feel Josie beside her, holding her breath, trying to decipher the shadows on the screen above her like it was some sort of code. 

Silence. Then a deep breath. Followed by silence. 

"I’m afraid I’m not picking up a heartbeat." the doctor finally said, moving the ultrasound wand across Josie's abdomen. Penelope looked at Josie, whose eyes were starting to puddle with tears. Where there had once been a heartbeat, a small electric wobble on a moniter, a quiver of white on blue, now there was nothing. The doctor began to measure the size of the fetus. 

Penelope had asked if it had grown. The doctor said it’s small, about eight weeks size wise, but Josie was ten weeks pregnant. 

"So it's small?" Penelope said, because she didn’t understand these things at all. "They're underweight?" 

But Josie did understand these things. A single tear slid down her cheek and a hard lump grew in the throat. She felt like she was suffocating. Without any prompting, she reached over and grabbed a blue paper towel, slowing wiping her stomach before sitting up on the bed. Her teary, bloodshot eyes fixed on the monitor on the wall. How could this have happened?


End file.
